Sunday, January 1, 2012

Happy New Year, Dickheads!

Well, 2011 was a real doozy! Economic woes, political upheavals throughout the globe, natural disasters, looming catastrophes in internet censorship and civil liberties -- at least we can all look forward to 2012, where we'll all get blown to bits in the upcoming apocalypse!

But just because the world's going to hell in a Gucci handbag, that doesn't mean folks are giving up on a time-honored New Year's tradition: resolutions! I recently asked the Zombie Dickheads about theirs, and here's what they had to say.

"This year, I resolve to be a bit more tolerant of my housemates. Their lack of hygiene and consideration for others, not to mention the name-calling -- I need to understand that they can't help the rude, obnoxious, poorly-raised individuals they are, the causes of which are largely societal. A dash of half-hearted empathy, a pinch of condescension, and a heaping handful of pity for those around me are my recipe for a more tolerant new year!"

"Resolutions are for deluded idiots who think the key to living better is by lying to yourself that you're in control of how your life turns out. Look at me! You think I planned to look like a Jack O'Lantern all year 'round? Or to be stuck with this pack of fucktards? Maybe I could give up chocolate for a year, or take that spin class I've been putting off, but it won't change the fact that life sucks, and it's only getting worse with each rotation of this miserable ball of shit we all live on."

"I resolve to keep being awesome. I've spent my entire life, and most of this afterlife, maintaining a steady regiment of sitting around, working towards nothing, and basically not giving a shit, and it's worked out pretty great so far. Sure, there are some that say we're living in a hell on earth, but I say lower your standards and you'll see it's a wonderful life after all."

"I resolve to put myself out there more -- go out, try and meet people. I tend to live a pretty sheltered life, and my social life is, like, up and died, y'know? I've just gotta get some new friends. Don't get me wrong, these guys are, well, these guys. I just want to maybe know some... better people, I guess? Does that make me sound like a bitch?"

Thanks, Dickheads! As for yours truly, I resolve to get cracking to bring you more Zombie Dickheads goodness, and those plans are already well under way. Expect to see a buttload more news from our favorite band of hipster deadheads coming soon!


1 comment:

  1. Happy New Year DickHeads! I resolve to wait patiently for the next issue and not eat some alive until it comes out! @matthurst